Doin’ It & Doin’ It & Doin’ It Scared

“But I'm in Hollywood
Dreaming bigger than I ever should…”

So when I first heard Victoria sing those words, I was living in Long Beach, CA wondering what my next move was gonna be. I was so inspired by the lyrics that I started working on some mock merch for her. I had no idea if she’d see it but it moved me to create. I posted and tagged her, thinking of all the possibilities of collaborating with her. Well, she ain’t see it lol—at least she never acknowledged my designs. BUT BUT BUT I got about three very big clients from posting that, one of them being KevOnStage which led to me doing merch for his tour and more. I shot for the stars and landed on some clouds. I did it scared, but I did it because I deserve to give myself my best. So do you, baby. So DO YOU, baby.

It’s scary as HELL to put yourself out there—professionally, shooting your friendship shot, in love. I get it wholeheartedly, especially as an anxiety girlie. That leap always feels like you’ll take the hardest fall, but what if you fly? Why do you not have faith in your wings? You are not Icarus, my love. You will not melt in the sun because you were born to beam too. You are not made of wax, but of passion and purpose. Who better than you to show the world your beauty, your skills, your talents? Who else knows you as intimately, your why? No one can tell your story like you, so paint yourself as vibrant and bold as you are. “Well what if someone says something negative?” They will. That’s what negative people do and they’re very good at their job. A job they do for FREE, mind you. Ask yourself why does this stranger have power over how you feel about yourself? They don’t know your journey, your struggles, your breakthroughs. “What if nobody cares?” Well they can’t care until you start. How are you supposed to find your people if they can’t find you?

It’s okay to dream. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re too old or it’s too late. This life is only yours and only now. You’ll see me talk about miracles a lot in these blogs because we’re all scientific miracles in the flesh for existing. Now add your mind, your talents, your beauty, your kindness, your grace—these are all miraculous to possess in a world like ours. Think about how many times you’ve been inspired by someone you’ve seen in passing because they had the courage to show themselves. Haven’t you always wanted to see how big your flowers can blossom? Haven’t you always wanted to see how good it can get? You’ll never know if you don’t plant the seeds. Get to blooming, baby.

“What do you live for?
What are you here for?
What do you breathe for?
What do you stand for?
What would you die for?
What will you leave when you're gone?”

#REALLOVERSONLY

You might feel like Goldilocks sometimes when it comes to love. Maybe you’ve wandered upon some bowls of porridge that were too hot or too cold, hoping for one that felt just right. And looking back, you knew damn well those bowls weren’t yours. What was Goldilocks doing in that house anyway? Not minding her nosy business, that’s for sure. What were you doing eating from a bowl you knew wasn’t sitting there for you? The audacity to think that your warmth alone could raise the temp on something so cold and out of reach. How bold to try to cool down something obviously piping hot and dangerous because you just feel like you have to try. Because that’s what they tell us to do. They tell us that love is something to be sought after, even when you know you don’t have no business in that house Goldilocks. Those bowls of porridge will never be just right because they’re simply not yours (yet).

For those that have found their Mary J ‘92 real love, I’m happy for you but this ain’t for yall. You can probably relate to the journey but this is for my people who just KNOW that if I exist, surely the love I seek does too. Don’t take this for a sad post because it’s quite the opposite. I’m a real lover, even if I never get to experience it in the romantic sense again. The enjoyment that it brings me to see love in all its forms will never leave me. I love engagement videos and beautiful surprise gestures. I love seeing someone move a piece of hair out of their loved one’s face to get a better view of their eyes when they’re speaking. I love seeing older couples still giggle and grab at each other for what’s probably the millionth time. It never gets old. We do, and one day these shells will return to the dust. But in the meantime, I will forever be enamored by the idea of seeing your heart’s partner in another soul.

Does it get scary sometimes? Wondering if you will ever experience what you see on the screens in a version custom made for you? Of course, delusions of love’s grandeur can only keep you for so long. Some nights you might reach across to the other pillow wondering if that side will ever feel less cold. Again, this isn’t a sad post. This is just a yearning post, a dreamer’s post, a lover’s post. I find the idea of love something like magic. When I was a kid, I always loved magic tricks and how the impossible became possible right before my eyes. Just when you think the lady is cut in half, the boxes are pushed together and she pops out unscathed. I’ve been cut in halves, thirds, and fourths by love and though I’m far from unscathed? I still hope to pop out the box as my version of whole. Wholly loved in a way that’s tailored to my desires and doubts, cut from a cloth Big Sandals & Co. up there loomed just for me. I’ll never stop believing in magic. I’ll never stop loving, never stop wanting. Quite simply because I AM love and magic, in the flesh and in the spirit. Love is a miracle and her beauty is overlooked often because of how the world taints her name. She’s real and she’s out there. Please don’t give up on her because you are still here. As long as you exist, so does love’s possibility. Don’t let this world stop you from being a real lover. It needs you to know it’s still there so it can find you. You deserve your Mary J ‘92 and I hope you know it.

Shoutout to all the real lovers—thank you for existing, we all we got.